I knew it had to happen at some point of course. It’s the cycle of life. You’re born. You live. You die. Simple. Tell it to the heart though and it’s not so simple anymore. A curious thing happened to me one night a few weeks ago. For some reason, I went on YouTube and watched a video l had not seen in over two years. It was a video of stills l had put together of one of my niece’s wedding 7 years ago.
My mum was on it and seemed to be waving (really holding her hand up in prayer) and l was cracking up my MIL and Federico with my dance moves. I even put it on FB that night. The next morning, my brother called to tell me that mummy had passed away a few minutes before his call. I have to believe that she was trying to say goodbye to me. Here are some of my recollections of this remarkable woman who was lucky enough to have a long life.
Nigerian tribute to a mother:
My mother was born over ninety years ago in a tiny village somewhere in Ijebu, the capital of Ogun State in Nigeria. Her parents were really, really poor. Yes, her school was miles and miles away from home and trekked it everyday. After school, she also sold little condiments from a little tray atop her head. She definitely had a tough life. She, along with my uncle were the only 2 children out of a total of 13 (including 3 sets of twins) who survived past the age of 15. There was a span of two weeks where she lost 3 siblings, all complaining of headaches and dropping dead. The first time the pastor comforted my grandmother. The second time, he tried as best as he could. The third time he just left the bible at her bedside because he had no words. Imagine burying eleven out of your thirteen kids. I am surprised my grandmother never went insane. Faith really is a strong thing.
My mother went on to become a teacher and a lot of people at her funeral had plenty of stories to tell about how tough she was. I always delighted in telling people that she was just as tough on her kids as she was to others.
She was married at 25 to my father and they went on to have eight kids together with a marriage that lasted over 40 years before he died of cancer. She was the one who taught my dad how to read and write in his late teens (his family could not afford to send him to school). Once he started his business and started to prosper, he decided on an experiment.
He asked her to come and work at his company. Within months, she had re-organized the whole place in her own way and the profits soared, allowing him to go on to other ventures. Soon enough, a lot of businessmen started doing the same. I am forever grateful that l was born when things were going well for them. My oldest sister till today will not eat eggs because the family had a few chickens and lived off eggs basically for years in a one-room apartment. One room!
My love for travel comes from both her and my dad. They traveled together and alone. In addition to visiting us kids in whatever countries we were in, she also racked up numerous visits to Israel (she just loved that place), Canada, Japan, Kenya, U.K, Mexico, Italy, Spain among others. I hope to visit as many as she has in my lifetime. There was a big turnout for her funeral despite the fact that she had wanted a solemn one. In addition to the kids she raised, we had so many cousins, extended relatives, and children of friends who lived with us growing up. She was the one parents threatened the kids with. “Keep misbehaving and l’m sending you to Mummy’s house”.
No matter how tough you thought you were, she was tougher :-). Nope, she did not spare the rod at all. In fact, she had canes stashed all over the house so you didn’t have to go far to go get the stick she would beat you with. I always used to resent her for one reason or the other, but when l got older, l came to realize that if l had kids, I would discipline them in exactly the same way. She loved kids, but she didn’t let them get away with anything. Till today, I still have trouble deciphering between blood relatives and friends as we all were raised together and if one was older than you, then it was brother this and sister that.
Here is a snippet video with my cell phone by one of my cousins. This was after the church service.
Nigerian funeral procession:
The funeral was a celebration of her life and so there was happy music and a lot of storytelling over 3 days. I have to admit that l broke down a lot over that time. I know she was old and that l am 53 already! :-). The most annoying part to me was people asking me why l was crying, that l should be happy..blah..blah..blah! I’m like f**k off! This is my mummy. Even if she was 200 years old, I would still cry and be emotional. Her health had deteriorated badly weeks before her death, so l think my siblings had some time to get used to it and we’re thankful she was spared more suffering. This is one of the hardest things when you live away from family and tragedy happens. I shared some images of her 90th birthday on the roundup post for last year. I am so happy that l got to see her.
Tribute to mother at her funeral:
After the church service, we sent everyone to the reception so we could bury her privately. She has now joined her husband who has been waiting some twenty odd years for her in the front of our family house in the same village where he grew up (hers is less than a mile away). The family spends every Christmas in the village and will continue to do so.
So, this is where I’ve been for the past 6 weeks. Nigeria. Celebrating my mother’s past life. Celebrating my nephew’s new married life. Reminiscing about my early life. Bonding and re-bonding with family and friends. If you follow us on Facebook, you know that it was bitter and sweet because shortly after the funeral, we celebrated my oldest nephew’s wedding and l posted some images and a video from that event. I was just not ready to share this one as l was feeling very verklempt, trying to process the whole thing. We visited Romania shortly after her death as it had already been planned. We had a wonderful time and will tell you about it soon. I think the fact that she wasn’t young and l had seen her recently made it so much better. I was lost for months after my sister’s passing, but it also galvanized us to start living the life we wanted. Early retirement.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that l never achieved the level of success of my parents. They came from nothing and made their marks in the world. In those days Nigeria was a much more powerful nation. One dollar was equal to 59 of our cents. Now, $1 equals 358 of our Naira! A reversal of fortune indeed!!!! Truthfully, I never had the ambition, perhaps because l did not have a hard life growing up like they did and the comfort made me less ambitious. What l did learn from them was hard work pays off. They sent all of us to school and told us to make our own way in life. They made and spent their money while alive. Good for them. My thirty years of hard work that lead to my early financial independence makes me happy. It’s enough for me and wouldn’t have happened without their sacrifices.
Goodbye Mummy:
Thank you mummy for everything. Even though you never said it, I still say l was your favorite (will never understand why my siblings keep fighting me about that! 🙂 ). You were a force of nature, a stubborn, educated, charitable soul who always fought for what was right, no matter the consequences, and made many fear you (much to my delight). I will miss you always. Rest in peace.
Hi Kemi. Sorry for the news. RIP. Hold on to these memories xx
Thanks so much. I surely will and l am glad she is resting.
Sorry about your lose Kemkem – I just spent a week in Budapest with my mom and I know the day she leaves (assuming I don’t go first)) it will be difficult whatever the age. She obviously was tough being 2 out of 13 that survived (or the others were just incredibly unfortunate). Its great however that she brought success to the family and was able to enjoy travel later in life. Great story.
Thanks Frank. I certainly hope you don’t go first and that she has a long and happy life. We are always their babies no matter the age. Yes, she was one tough woman and felt invincible. In our culture, her position (the second one born after twins) is considered to be the strongest and she believed it wholeheartedly and was fearless. Thanks for the kind words.
So sorry for your loss. I think you looked so much like her <3
Thanks Lola. I’m chuffed that you think l look like her..yeah! 🙂
Such a lovely tribute to you mother, Kemi and I can still feel your sadness, even after all these weeks of your mother’s passing. I’m so sorry for your loss. What a joyful celebration, though of your mother’s life and it sounds like she left an indelible mark on so many people. Thank you for sharing the clip of the procession as it helped to show some of your country’s traditions. (Your dresses are beautiful.) One thing though – there are all sorts of ways to measure success and it seems to me that independence and happiness count for a great deal. You’ve realized that life is precious and have chosen to make the most of it. That seems like a success story to me! Anita
Thanks Anita. I still have my days. I remember after my dad died that it took me almost 2 years to talk about him in the past as my mind couldn’t handle it for so long so l expect it will take a bit of time to adjust to this, even though it was to be expected. Yes, she certainly left her mark on loads of people and it was funny to hear people giving testimonies and the audience cracking up as they totally pictured her doing things and adding their own snippets. Thank you for last bit about success. It makes sense as l do realize l am a bit hard on myself about that. I have have found success that works for me, and yes.. I am indeed proud of that :-).
Amazing writing, Kemkem! It’s a beautiful tribute to your mother and I can only imagine how difficult it was to write this. But your mother had indeed an amazing life story, one to be proud of and one that I am sure most people would have a lot to learn from. There are some people who simply manage to make it big out of nothing – it’s their own sheer will, courage and intelligence that drives them forward.
It is difficult to replicate that kind of success when you don’t start from scratch, but you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself either. I was lucky enough to meet you in person and I would have no hesitation to describe you as an incredibly successful person. You are in a place in life where you have achieved much, much more than most of us will ever achieve and you have all the reasons to be extremely proud of yourself too. And I’m not the kind of person to say things just for the sake of saying them – I truly believe that.
PS: Watching that video clip was truly an eye opener and I really appreciate the traditions in Nigeria. I think every person should end their life with a celebration of life, good stories and laughs from the guests. The close ones will cry no matter what and that is just how it should be.
Oh C, you always know the right thing to say and l do appreciate it. She led by example and her legacy lives on. I see values she instilled in us being played out constantly and it makes me proud. You’re right, it is difficult to replicate the success when it’s not an identical starting point. Yes, I certainly do believe you’re not the kind of person to just say things having spent time with you :-). One of the in-laws who is from a different tribe in the eastern part of the country was surprised at how my culture celebrates life because theirs is usually very somber, no matter the age and to see people celebrating, laughing in remembrance was also an eye opener for her which surprised me as l thought everyone celebrated the same. Somber ones are more for people who died too young. There were definitely loads of laughs as we remembered her. I managed to laugh through my tears. Thanks for this most awesome comment :-).
What an amazing tribute to your mummy. She sounds like a wonderful person and someone I would have enjoyed spending time with. The woman knew how to “rock” a headdress! Many blessings.
Thanks Suzanne. She was indeed a wonderful woman and cracked me up a lot because she always had something to say. Yep! She certainly knew how to wear the geles! The higher the better was her motto, and yes.. I think you would have enjoyed knowing her. All my friends in L.A still have stories to tell about her years and years later :-).
KemKem, this post is a beautiful homage to your mummy. Nothing can ever prepare you for this kind of event, I can totally relate since I lost my mother in 2001, she was very unwell, in a lot of pain, had no quality of life. But even when it is expected it is incredibly hard. I loved how you all celebrated and reminisced about her life with family and friends, a great send off to a great woman. Her legacy will certainly live on and be carried into the next generation by you and the rest of the family. I am sure she would have been very proud of you Kemkem. Thinking of you 🙂
Thanks for the kind words Gilda. Right you are that no matter how expected it is, it is still unprepared. Even when they are in pain and suffering, our selfishness wills them to live on. It was indeed a nice send off. One l am sure she enjoyed watching from wherever she is (hopefully with her loved ones). She lives on in her family and for that l am grateful. She worked hard to make sure that would happen and l am proud to say she succeeded :-).
What a lovely tribute to your mother. I know there are few words that truly can convey the sentiment but I truly believe the memories imprinted in one’s heart speaks volumes of joy. 🙂
Thanks so much Christine. You’re right, the memories really do help in easing the pain. She lived long so there are plenty of them to hold us :-).
I’m so sorry for your loss KemKem, and understand completely what you mean about missing your mother, regardless of how old she was!
I felt the same about my grandmother. I first met her when she was 74 years old, and she died of natural causes at 94! She had a great life, but I was still very upset!
We had planned to visit her and she died two weeks before we arrived, so they postponed the funeral date until we got there. This was before our son was even born, so my German boyfriend at the time was a little over-whelmed with all the festivity and attention.
It looks like a great celebration of your mums’ life. I really like the drumming and dancing, and I saw a glimpse of you at the end of the video. You look so elegant, and did your mother proud!
p.s. Your mum’s headgear is wonderful, and she looks so pretty, right until the end of her wonderful life.
Thanks Victoria. I feel the sadness still at the loss of your grandmother. Good you got to know her, even late in life. She lived a long life also, didn’t she? It’s hard not to miss them, no matter how old they are. I’m sure even though she had passed by the time you got there, she definitely knew how much you loved her. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must have been for your boyfriend at the time :-). They don’t play when they celebrate life do they, especially the Yorubas! That was pretty much my look for the day..alternating between tears or near tears or struggling to smile. It hit me harder than l thought, maybe because l wasn’t there to witness her pain at the end. Ohh..she really loved her high genes..right till the end :-).
The struggle to keep a smiling face is real, but I’m sure that your mum wouldn’t have wanted you to be unhappy, but to remember her, which you will, and to celebrate her life, which you did.
I forgot to mention, that I consider you to be one of the most successful bloggers that I have ever met! There’s really no need to compare yourself to your mother, as the time and situation was so much different.
You’re hardworking, honest, open-minded, eager and ready to help your siblings, funny and clever to boot. I feel honoured to be one of the lucky people to have met you (more than once) in real life. And having a great career then walking away to retire at such a young age, is enormously inspiring.
That’s a huge success right there.
How many people can say that?
Yes, it is :-). Thanks so much for such a wonderful comment No, for sure, she wouldn’t have wanted us to be unhappy, just celebrate her long and wonderful life. I guess it’s hard to be objective about oneself. It sometimes takes an outsider to make the observation and l thank you for that :-). I just try to live a life that would not bring shame to me or my family.
I feel honored to have met you too and you know it’s a mutual admiration society..haha! Juggling kid, hubby and travel is not easy but you do it with aplomb. It’s true we all plot our own way to “success” and watching you go is quite fun to watch.
Hiya KemKem.
I really loved that video; I want a marching band at my funeral too, so I enjoyed that video. Those are strong young men :-). Is this a typical Nigerian funeral?
I enjoyed the story and the peek into your family and their history and Nigerian culture. It’s always tough when people tell you how to feel; but they mean well…
Thanks again for sharing this. *hugs*.
Thanks so much Kerwin. I think l would like a marching band too. It is common to have that in the middle to upper class circles. I had assumed it was common in all the cultures, but it seems my tribe, the Yorubas do it, but not Ibos and Hausas (the other dominant tribes). I said the same thing about those guys, very strong indeed..at times l thought they might drop the coffin with the moves they were doing, but that is their job. This would be typical for someone who lived a long life. If they died too soon, it would be solemn, the church service and internment, but rarely parties. I know people mean well, but l think it got to me after the 20th person :-). I kept wanting to shout.. It’s my mother!!! like a big baby :-). Thanks for reading and for your kind words.
I came over from Anita and Richard’s blog and I’ve been reading a few of your posts. So sorry about the loss of your wonderful Mom and your sister. Your Mom sure must make you proud, she was a tough, hard working and intelligent woman well ahead of her time. Looking forward to reading more about your travels.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m not ashamed to say l had tears in my eyes while reading your comment :-). She does indeed make me proud and instilled that in all of us (and most listened to boot 🙂 ). Thanks so much for that. Pleasure to see first thing in the morning. I’m really glad you found the blog. Anita and Richard are tops and we’ve had the pleasure of both staying with them and having them stay with us and have enjoyed it thoroughly. They are the real deal.