I miss my father:
I still miss my father. Everyday. I rarely talk about my loss to people. He died almost 21 years ago at the age of 72. It’s hard for me to believe that so much time has passed. The memory of his death is still so vivid in my mind. I thought he was invincible.
A daughter’s tribute to her father:
My father ate right, didn’t smoke, exercised and had the biggest heart ever, almost to a fault. It would take him and my mum 5 full days to finish one bottle of Guinness. One phone call at work shattered my world.
My father had suddenly started bleeding about 3 weeks prior. They were unable to treat him in Nigeria. It was ultimately colon cancer. Even though the doctors suspected it, they had no equipment to make a proper diagnosis. The decision was made to transfer his care to a London hospital.
Unfortunately, a visa was only granted to my mother. My siblings were all refused visas. One of the curses of having a third world passport is that you are often denied entry to the first world countries. They just assume that people will go and never return. I still get pissed when people say “anyone can travel”. I am happy that medical tourism exists. He was packed with ice and put on a plane.
The long journey to my father’s side:
I tried speaking to my father during that phone call, but couldn’t understand a thing he said. Not a thing. I immediately called my supervisor and booked myself a flight from Los Angeles to London the next day. I sobbed my way through the long haul flight.
The staff at Virgin Airlines were so fantastic. They put me in first class and left me alone. It was no time to be cheap. I took a black cab to where my mother was staying. As the cab pulled up, the hospital called and said we should come right away, so the cab took us directly to the hospital. I can’t tell you how grateful l am that we made it to the hospital in time.
The last minutes with my father:
Seeing my father so frail and in obvious pain bought tears to my eyes, but l had to be strong for my mom. I held his hand, told him that l loved him, that l was there now to take care of mummy and it was okay for him to leave. He died maybe five minutes later.
He tried so hard to tell us something, but we couldn’t understand. I think he had just been hanging on so he wouldn’t leave my mum alone. Eight kids they had, and l was the only one who was with him at the last-minute.
I have never told anyone what transpired that day, not even to my siblings. I have always wondered “why me?”. Why was l the only one there.. and why years later, l was the only one there again, holding my sister’s hand when she also passed away from her cancer? I felt guilty for years.
My role as a guiding light:
About four years ago, l finally mentioned that to one of my older sisters. Her immediate reply? Maybe that was my purpose. To be a guiding light. I haven’t felt guilty since. All well and good, but l would rather it not happen again. My father was well-loved. That was obvious at his funeral which lasted over six hours with hundreds left in the heat as the church was too crowded.
The guests at my father’s funeral insisted on telling their stories of how my father had helped them over the years. He was a God-fearing man who believed in helping the less fortunate and turning the other cheek, complete opposite of my mom, no cheek turning there! 🙂 .
My father grew up a dirt poor in a tiny village and was destined for a life of servitude. He ran away to the big city in his teens to make his fortune. He never forgot his roots and made sure to come back and help the village that is now known as Little London. My mum is frail at 89, but still hanging on.
Update: My mother has since passed and is hopefully now reunited with her beloved husband.
I have hated the phone since that day. I still hate the phone, and rarely answer it, weird as it sounds. Five years ago, we got a call from Rome while we were still living in Houston.
Federico’s father had a fatal heart attack while getting coffee. I miss him too. He was also a great guy. Lover of life. Despite the fact that he didn’t speak English and l don’t speak Italian, we still found a way to communicate. We will always have fond memories of the ones we love, even after they have passed away. It is still painful.
I have tried to live my life in a way that ensures that my parents would be proud of me. I can say without a doubt that he would proud of the person that l am now. Cherish the people in your lives because life really is fleeting. I have a favorite saying, my altered version of the famous poem.
Death comes to those who wait. Death comes to those who don’t wait. Death just comes.
My conclusion is that we should cherish our loved ones. It’s important to keep touch as often as possible because we have no idea how much time we have. Never take things for granted, especially life.
I miss my father everyday, my mother too. That will never change. May they continue to rest in peace.
Kemkem what a tribute! Thank you for sharing these memories with us.
I lost my dad too, a decade ago..it was painful more so because I couldn’t travel at the time. I had immigration challenges, and If I left at the time, I wouldn’t be able to return to Europe. My family said it was okay for me not to come..I sent some money to assist with the funeral costs and when I was able to travel, I went to spend time at his grave.
The strange thing is that I was so close to my dad, and even when other family members weren’t present, we attended many funerals and weddings together..the two of us..ultimately I wasn’t able to attend his funeral, and he wasn’t able to attend my wedding..(still single). I treasure those moments together and celebrate his life and legacy.
It is a blessing that you were able to be there before your father passed.
It is well.
The good thing about loss is that the pain lessens as time goes by. I’m sorry about your loss too. Immigration problems are the worst aren’t they? It makes you feel so helpless. We had a service for him in London with my relatives but l chose not to go to the actual funeral in Nigeria. I was like the walking wounded for a while. The good thing is that he is buried on the property in the very village he was born in according to his wishes, so it’s nice come holidays or what not when the family gathers. So glad you had a special bond with your father, funny how things work out sometimes isn’t it? I’m sure it’s clear to the ones above 🙂 .
Your father and mother made a handsome couple! And at 70 years or so! His smile. Incredible. Wow.
Kemkem, I enjoy reading your blog and I share the stories with my husband all the time. Thanks for taking the time to be a part of others’ lives. I see it comes to you honestly. I “enjoyed” the personal piece today. Your fathers sound like people I would have liked to be around. And you got me thinking about guiding lights and purpose. And death, which I believe with faith to be the beginning of endless amazing travels, if I so choose. (I probably have read too many life after death books. 🙂 ) Wishing you warm wishes today!—-Terri
Thanks Terri. Yeah, he was in pretty good shape. Thanks so much for your kind words. It really means a lot. He was definitely someone who inspired. He didn’t learn how to read or write till after 17 years of age (taught my my mom) because his family couldn’t afford it. He went on to make something of himself. I sometimes feel bad that l haven’t accomplished 1/50th of what he did. I am just not that good a christian :-). I hope death is like you say, the beginning of amazing travels..haha! He was well on his way and had like 6 passports glued together when he traveled with so many stamps for multiple entries. I think l caught my wanderlust from him and my mom for sure.
I’m so glad you shared him with us. I will remember. People like him keep us younger ones striving, remembering it’s not always so easy in life but good can be and should be made. I’m not so good as your Dad either.—- I wish I had a passport like that. (Wonderlust unfulfilled. . .) Have a good weekend! Can’t wait to see where you take us next!
You have a great weekend as well, and thanks once again 🙂
What a great story Kemkem, brought tears to my eyes. Or maybe those are the hot chilies I just ate (I’m right now in Mexico).
He sounds like a great man and I’m sorry for your loss. I still have my father but we’re not very close, never have been. He always crosses my mind on father’s day though.
What your sister said to you crossed my mind prior to getting to that point. Totally agree. Maybe you’re the strong one who brings comfort. Or maybe you’re just the last face they want to see before letting go. In any case, you should feel the opposite of guilty.
Frank (bbqboy)
It’s a combination of the story and the chilies 🙂 . Thanks a lot for the kind words. It means a lot and made me teary eyed as well. You’re right, he was a great man who never forgot where he came from and his deeds still live on, especially in the village, now town where he grew up. It makes me proud. I’m sorry you’re not close to your father. I’m sure it sucks sometimes. You know what they say.. “You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your family” 😉 . My sister mentioned my strength too, which l would have never considered myself that prior .. I’m afraid of bugs to lizards etc.. but it’s nice to know. Thanks again…and enjoy Mexico!
Actually, my dad has always said “you chose your friends, you can’t chose your family”. Really nice thing to say to a son who’s always tried his hardest to make the relationship work.
I have never heard that variation. A little harsh thing to say to ones son.. 🙁 . You turned out very well, so it is his loss isn’t it? Living well is the best revenge 🙂 .
I’m in the club! I miss my Father every day. But I smile and laugh thru the good memories.
It’s a heck of a club isn’t it? Very steep admission price..but like you said, we laugh and smile.. 🙂
Kemkem…I still have my father (thank God), but I understand your pain. I lost my grandfather who I was extremely close to (like a second father) when I was in the midst of law school midterms. My parents refused to let me come home while he was on his deathbed because they wanted me to stay focused and said he would’ve wanted the same. They were right, but it was impossible to focus. I did go home for the funeral and seeing him in his coffin was surreal. I still grieve for him. I’ve only been to his grave twice. Personality-wise, it seems that he was a lot like your dad – a cheek-turner for sure! It takes a lot of strength to be like that. He really suffered leading up to his death but never complained…ever. I think it’s so special that you were able to be with your father and sister during their last moments. I know you don’t like mush, but although we have yet to meet in person, I consider you a friend, and I know your dad would be proud of who you’ve become. You have a good heart and it shines through your blog. Wishing our fathers and grandfathers a Happy Father’s Day…their spirits live on!
Aahh..your grandpa sounds like a wonderful man also. It is so hard letting go. At that time if anyone had told me it gets easier, l would have spit in their face..haha! But it does. Sorry you weren’t able to attend his funeral, but l do think your parents were right. For Fede’s dad, we ended up sending money because that was more needed than him being there. I do hate mush, but l certainly consider you a friend as well ;-). I am so happy that you have your father and mother, you guys always have so many adventures together and l love reading about that (pulled chain on the train in France and all 🙂 ). I hope you have a happy and glorious day tomorrow with them. Thanks again for your lovely words. It means a lot.
Hi Kem Kem. This is a heartfelt tribute yo your late dad and one that I can truly resonate with. My dad passed away exactly 4 years ago and I’ve not stopped thinking about him. Thankfully the memories will strengthen us daily.
I’m so sorry about your loss Bola. Four years is really not a long time at all. The good thing is that they will always be in our thoughts and the memories never fade. I do believe it gives us strength and some comfort. It’s a heck of a club to be in l say. Thank you so much for your comment 🙂
Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way about my Grandfather, he was like my second dad. He’s been gone since 2003 and I constantly miss and think about him.
Thanks for sharing with us too. It’s so good that we were all lucky enough to have such wonderful people in our lives. Thank god for our memories :-).
I feel this way about missing my brother. It has been more than 8 years and the pain still never goes away. Continue to live a life that would make your father proud.
You’re right about the pain never really going away. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a very tough one. Thanks for the encouragement 🙂 .
Thank you so much for sharing that story regarding your father. You were (and still seem to be) so strong. I’m sure he is smiling at you so proud of all that you’ve accomplished.
Thanks for those kind words Tia. It makes me feel good and l really appreciate that 🙂
Beautiful tribute to your father, he would certainly be very proud of you kemkem. How wonderful that you were able to be by his side when he passed away. He looked so young in the picture on his 70th Birthday. My mother passed away aged 65, I was visiting her in Brazil but never imagined that it would be our last time together. Time is a great healer but we will forever miss them dearly.
I’m sorry about your loss too and you’re right. Time is a great healer. Yeah.. I am so hoping that his gene of looking good at an old age happens to me. So far what l have is his receding hairline (i.e no hair) 🙂 . You just never know what life has in store. It is important to cherish the time.
Love your post as always…..bring back memories of my dad who’s been gone almost 24 years (in 8 days’ time…) So as I sit shedding a quiet tear at the suddenness of his death, I have to smile at the good memories.
Thanks for sharing. It brought my dad closer on Father’s Day.
Glad to hear Steph. You know, l was thinking of your dad also as l wrote that. He was a wonderful man and l see him vividly with his tools :-). I remember what a shock it was. Thank God for the memories 🙂 .
Death is a certain thing, but we still don’t expect it to happen to us. My Dad decided to sit out on parenting me. He didn’t have a reason, he just was never there for me. i always enjoy reading other peoples memories.
Definitely his loss Mimi. Like they say, living well is the best revenge. He missed his chance to get to know a fab person with cute lips 🙂 😉 . Keep on being you!
What a loving tribute. I lost my dad in 2014, so I can relate to missing a parent who is gone.
I am so sorry for your loss too. Thank heavens for wonderful memories. They will always live on through them :-).
Sad and nice at the same time! I have also lost my father to cancer several years ago and your article did touch a few soft spots and brought back some memories. I was too there, holding his hands in his final moments. Not the best thing for a 24 years-old and I will always remember those moments for the rest of my life and, even though this meant a few terrible years for me afterwards where stress and depression really kicked in, I wouldn’t do things differently. You are simply not prepared for some things in life, but they have to be done. And as long as you’re left with a lot of great memories, it was all good.
How wild that the circumstances were so similar. Cancer is a bitch isn’t it? I’m sure it must have been a shock for you at that age. Nothing can ever prepare you for such a life changing event, and you’re right that one can never forget those moments. It’s an imprint. I’m glad that you were able to shake the stress and depression and become stronger. He would be proud of you for that 🙂 .
This was a great post! Your dad sounds like he was a great guy. It was a blessing that you were able to be there. My mom was the only one of her siblings to be there when my grandfather passed away.
Thanks Bijee. Yes, he was. I hadn’t thought of it as a blessing, but you’re right. It is. Your mom was blessed as well, but it’s tough while it is happening . Thanks for the kind words.
Ugh to cancer. It really sucks. What a beautiful read. I love to read and hear of people that appreciated the men in their lives. Thankfully I still have my father, but with him being diabetic and having kidney disease, I just never know.
Yep..it really does suck. I don’t know why it seems to be on a rapid rise despite all the research 🙁 . Cherish the time you have with your father because like you said, you just never know. I wish him a long and pain free life 🙂 .
That was beautifully written. Your dad’s smile… my goodness. Amazing. Being a first generation American I know what it means to not be able to travel to see loved ones. As much as our family wants to be together all at once, we just can’t. You have written an amazing piece, and I thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks so much 🙂 . I know it’s hard for people to imagine that not everyone can go anywhere they please. Your nationality really does matter :-(. It was a welcome relief when l finally got the papers. He did have a nice smile, didn’t he? Thanks for the comment. It means a lot.
Just from this post I can tell your Dad was an amazing guy. My parents are still alive (thank God), but last year I lost my grandmother who was like a mother to me. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
I’m glad you still have your parents. No matter how old you get, you’re still someone’s baby 🙂 .Sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I’m sure it’s still very fresh to you, but time really is a great healer. He was a great guy. Thanks for the kind words.
Hugs to you both! Sounds like your dad was fantastic. Thanks for sharing this very intimate look into your life.
Thank you Valerie for reading. They were both really nice guys that we felt were taken too soon, but we would say that wouldn’t we? It would always be too soon. Thanks for the comment too, much appreciated.